As a little girl growing up, I always thought that all the friends and family I had around me at that point would still be around me for the rest of my life. I guess I was just a naive little girl who thought that just because someone enters your life, no matter however long they are there for, that they would be there for the rest of my life.
But life is not like that. Life is a roller coaster that has many ups and downs. Some of the ups include days out with friends and family, going to parties, nights out, sleepovers, etc. But then there are the downs. These days the downs seem to outweigh the ups for me. Obviously, I really do not want my life to be like this and would love to go back to being that carefree person who can ask friends to hang out and not have a fear of rejection. Instead I have an inability to message someone first through fear that they do not want anything to do with me and actually only pity me rather than genuinely wanting to be around me.
Those of you who read my last blog (TeenagelifeBeth) will know that a couple of years ago I was going out with a boy for seven months. This may not seem long for some but this is my longest (first and only) relationship. During my time with this boy he promised me everything I had ever wanted from life. He promised that we could buy a nice family home together - somewhere that was near enough to a city that would be an easy commute but not too far away from our home town. He promised me that we could have at least three kids - something that I have always wanted. He promised me that we could buy a family car and go on plenty of family days out. He promised me that we could have five dogs - which might seem too many for some but for me this is the amount I have always wanted. Most importantly, he promised me that we would be together for the rest of our lives.
At this point in my life I was only seventeen. Seventeen is a pretty young age for someone to be promising you everything you have ever wanted - particularly as we were not together for that long and we were each other's first ever proper relationship. Some may say I was blinded by love. I think deep down I always knew that even if he did mean all of that stuff, he did not mean it for me. I think he did want all of that stuff eventually, but he had a way of finding out everything I wanted from a relationship and was able to twist it as if he wanted all of the same things as me. He made me believe these lies, even if deep down I really did know that he did not mean any of those things for me. Because I believed those lies and because I fell hard for someone who did not feel the same for me and because I now have trust issues, I fear I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
As I struggle to trust, I constantly have my guard up when meeting new people - which goes for both potential partners and my friends/family. People say I need to let my guard down, but I worry that if I do then I am just allowing myself to get hurt over and over again. I do not want to get hurt again. It hurt the first time and I am sure it will hurt the next. And the time after that. And the time after that. And again and again and again until I am so broken that I can not carry on anymore. I think it is because my guard is constantly up that it does not matter what someone says to me, I think they are just playing me just so they can be with me for no more than five minutes and then leave like everyone else does.
Like the quote above, I do believe that loneliness is inevitable and that everyone will experience it at some stage in their life. I think a lot of people associate loneliness with the elderly, but I think nowadays a lot of young people are actually quite lonely as well. I think as we live in an age of social media and being able to FaceTime people, an increasing amount of people are more likely to stay in and communicate with their friends online than arrange to go and meet them somewhere. I think this is because people share their lives on social media so as we are able to see what people are doing, we do not feel as much of a need to arrange to meet up with someone because we are able to see what they have been up to.
I think I fear I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because I do not go out as much as I would like to (in fact I hardly ever go out at all), which means finding that someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with that little bit harder. I get that there are dating apps (one of which I am on) but you hear so many things that happen to people on dates with people that they have never met before that I am constantly living in fear that one of these things is going to happen to me. Some of the people I have talked to I regret not meeting up with as I genuinely believe that it could have gone somewhere, however I guess these things happen (or do not happen in my case) for a reason and there is nothing I can do to change anything.
I think a lot of people reading this will probably be questioning why I feel like this as I am only 19 and have the rest of my life to find some poor unfortunate soul to spend the rest of our lives together. However, I would quite like to have at least two kids by the time I am 30 and most of the people I know have found the person to settle down with by the time they turned 19, which is why I genuinely do not think I am ever going to find someone.
Does anyone have any tips for meeting someone when you struggle with talking to people and constantly have your guard up? Or do you have any recommendations for dating apps/sites that are not just full of people just wanting a quick hook up and nothing else (I am here for a long time, not a 'good' time)? Please comment any suggestions you have down below and I will be sure to read them.
Love Beth xx