Let's Talk About Sex (Part Two)

Ah, sex. The thing that as young teenagers you might hear adults talking about in streets or coffee shops and might even see occur in movies. It's often painted out to be a magical thing that happens between two adults who are in love and that that's all there is to it. This is also something we are taught in sex education, that you meet someone, fall in love, get engaged, get married, and then have sex when you want to have a baby. But this is only a very small portion of what sex is actually about.

There is a whole other host of things that go on that isn't just about having sex that should be included in our sex education. Yes, it may be an uncomfortable conversation for a teacher to have with their pupils and yes, maybe these pupils may not be mature enough to take this conversation seriously, however it is still a conversation that needs to be had. I have already covered some of these topics that we should have been taught about in part one, so in part two I want to continue where I left off and talk about topics such as masturbation, porn, sex stories/erotica, sex toys, and the emotional side.

Masturbation

I can, in many ways, understand why teachers didn't talk about masturbating while we were at school. However, this is something that many people do and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think when I was at school there was a stigma, and there probably still is one now, surrounding women masturbating. There's absolutely no problem with this. Women have needs too and you don't always need someone there to satisfy those needs. There are other elements that are involved in masturbation other than your own hands, such as porn, sex stories/erotica, and sex toys. But when you're a teenager, you start going through all these different changes and this is really when you start getting these urges and I think it is important that schools teach them (in an appropriate manner) about masturbation because you see things online and you start doing these things and there's a difference between healthy and unhealthy masturbation, such as how much you masturbate. I also believe that schools should tackle the stigma about women masturbating and teach people that it is absolutely an okay thing to do and that there's nothing weird or wrong about it - women have sexual needs that can be satisfied on their own too!

Porn

This is a topic that a lot of people have many opinions on. Before we had the internet, people would get porn by going to an adult video store and buying the video, which I'm guessing (and really hoping) you had to be at least 18 for, but who knows? However, now that we have the internet, people are able to watch porn at a much younger age. I think the first time I watched a porn video was when I was thirteen which is 100% WAY too young to be watching anything like that. I know that some people may even be younger than that when they first watch porn, some may be older, and some may have never seen porn at all. The problem with porn being easily accessible on the internet is that it gives us a false idea of what sex is actually like. In porn, in terms of straight sex, we often see the man being the dominant one, with the situation in which the sex occurs being out of the ordinary compared to real life, and it is often portrayed as being pretty rough and in positions that many of us would ever think about or even try to do.

We also seem to have this idea that only men watch porn and that a woman watching porn is weird. The truth is, women watch porn. On some porn sites, they have a specific category entitled 'for women', which often features videos that are perceived to be more 'female-friendly' than what 'men' watch.

There are many things wrong with porn. Not only does it give us a false idea of what sex is actually like, but, as I said above, it is way too accessible for young people who have either never had sex before or are just starting to have sex. It gets them into these weird fetishes and, in particular for men, gives them the idea that they have to be forceful to the person they are having sex with and that it is okay to initiate sex on someone when they are unaware of what is happening, such as when they are asleep. I'm sure a lot of us watch porn when we want to masturbate and don't have a partner, that's normal, however, what shouldn't be normal is young people, in particular, searching for porn as a way to learn more about sex and to know what happens during sex, because porn doesn't give us a real insight into what sex is actually like. It gives us a false idea as to what we should look for in a sexual partner, which as a woman suggests you should have big boobs, a flat, toned stomach, a big ass, long, thick hair, and a tan, and for men, this suggests they should have muscles, abs, a tan, and a big penis. If you are none of these things, it is perceived as weird and something you should aspire to look like (spoiler: you shouldn't).

Sex stories/erotica

Similar to porn, we also have access to sex stories and erotica. There is a difference between the two. Sex stories, from what I have seen, are stories that are often posted online that discuss something that leads to sex. Erotica, again, from what I have seen, is often more of a book that is based on sex and discusses it happening but is less pornographic than a sex story and leaves a lot more to the imagination. I have read both before and they do leave a lot to the imagination which in some ways is better than porn because you are not actually seeing these things happening and are able to have your own idea of what sex looks like, instead of visually seeing what you believe is acceptable when it actually isn't. However, the problem with sex stories, in particular, is that, like porn, they also paint this idea in our heads of what sex should look like and lead people to have fantasies of what the stories say and wanting to try them out with someone. Sure, if they consent to do that then that's fine, however, if they don't consent to this for whatever reason, this should be respected and you shouldn't hold this against them because it is just something that you want to try because you have read about it/seen it online and it is these stories that paint this idea in your head of what sex should look like when in reality sex isn't always like that. For example (and this applies to porn as well), the fetishisation of lesbian sex. This idea that most men have in their heads that it is 'hot' when two girls have sex together and they want to watch/join in. Even if you are a straight girl, they ask you to get off with your friend, ask to watch, and will also ask if you can go back to yours/his and have a threesome. Totally NOT OKAY!!! They only have this idea due to porn/sex stories and it needs to be understood that lesbian sex is not something to fantasise and harass women over for your own sexual pleasure. It needs to be taught that porn and sex stories are not real and should not be something that you base your sexual wants over.

Sex toys

For some reason, there seems to be a stigma around sex toys, and in particular, women that use them. If anything, it's actually a good thing to have sex toys. Obviously, if you live in your family home or with children, you need to make sure they're hidden so they can't be found. But using a sex toy is better than using something in replacement of one, such as the end of your hairbrush as a dildo or an old electric toothbrush as a vibrator. Sex toys have been made to be near your genitals, whereas household items (and in some cases, food) haven't. If you are worried about the person delivering them knowing what you've ordered or are worried about someone else in your household or a neighbour knowing, they won't because in pretty much every case of me ordering a sex toy, they come in plain packaging so no one is ever to know. Love Honey is a great place to look for sex toys, whether you have never owned one before or are looking to add to your collection. I actually think that owning a sex toy(s) is great because if you have never had sex, aren't that experienced, or just want a sex toy for whatever reason, they actually enable you to explore your own body and learn more about what does/doesn't satisfy you, which can be really beneficial when it comes to having sex with someone else as you can then tell them what you want them to do to you (as long as they consent). You can even add a sex toy (or toys) when having sex with someone, but this is maybe more for a long-term partner than a one-night stand. And I think it goes without saying that you should always, ALWAYS wash your sex toy after every use as otherwise bacteria can build up and it can cause an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis.

The emotional side

Like I said above in the section about porn, a lot of us have this vision/expectation in our minds that sex should be rough. However, there is an emotional side to it - and this is the side that I prefer. When you are having sex with someone you really love and care about, that is the best kind of sex. There is so much connection between the two of you that isn't just sexual/physical, but emotional as well. You can have sex with someone you met a couple of hours ago in the club (when we're allowed, of course), but there is nothing that can compare to having sex with that special someone. I have had a one night stand before, and honestly, it didn't even compare to having sex with someone that I genuinely care about. This is something we should be taught because yes (in my case at the least), we are taught that you should only be having sex if you are trying for a baby, but sex is so much more than just doing it so you can get pregnant. It is about the emotional bond you have with someone that can help turn your physical bond into something that is so incredibly special and, in many ways, can make the two of you even closer than you were before.

There are so many other topics I want to talk about, but feel I have gone on long enough for one day so I am going to do a part three to this post. If you do have any other topics you would like me to cover in that one then please let me know in the comments below, or leave a DM on my Twitter or Instagram. If there are any other subjects you would like me to cover in general that aren't related to this, then please feel free to do the same.

Did you learn about any of these in your sex education?

Love Beth xx