I want a Marriage, but not a Wedding

I'm not entirely sure whether I'm saying this because I'm single and believe I'm going to be lonely forever so feel I may be thinking/saying this to make myself feel better; or if I'm saying it because I genuinely believe it, but I don't want a wedding. I want to be married, but don't want a wedding. That may sound a little confusing, but carry on reading this and hopefully, it'll all make sense by the end of it.

I haven't been to many weddings in my life, but the very idea of having to walk down an aisle and standing at the front of it in front of a load of people scares the living daylight out of me. I can barely walk into a room with a couple of people in it, so how the hell am I supposed to walk down an aisle and stand in front of 40+ people for about an hour - and that doesn't even include the reception and evening-do. I guess that by the end of it I will have married the love of my life, but to me the fact I have to spend thousands of pounds on one day where at the end of it everything is pretty much exactly the same, apart from the fact we have signed a contract to stay together forever and have both acquired a ring on our finger.

Let's look at the reason people used to get married. The primary purpose of marriage was to bind a woman to a man in order to guarantee that any children would be the man's and to make the woman the man's property (The Week). I'm sorry but if you think I'm going to become a man's property by marrying him then you are very much mistaken. I know that this is outdated now and nowadays people marry for love, but why? What is it about having a wedding and getting married that is so attractive to people? I'm not sure whether it's just because my parents are divorced and I saw what marriage did to them that makes me feel this way, but I just hate the idea of a wedding. Granted, I want all the things that come from marriage, but isn't it just the same as being in a long-term relationship?

But let's look more at the actual wedding itself. I've already said that the idea of walking down an aisle and standing in front of a load of people scares me, but there are many other things about weddings that make me not want to have one. For starters, I, like I'm sure every other person in the world, would only want the people at my wedding who are genuinely happy for me and aren't going to make fun of the day in any way. That excludes a lot of my family, all of which would be on my Dad's side. I wouldn't really want any of them there and although I have the right to not invite them and just because they're family doesn't mean they have the right to be there, doesn't mean that they wouldn't make me feel guilty for not inviting them. But why should I? They've spent my entire life picking apart my life and making me feel miserable and they don't even realise it. For example, I've never really had a job but have done a lot of volunteering and work experience in relation to the job I want to go into once I graduate and they have always badgered me about why I haven't had a job, yet my older cousins never had a job until they graduated and did no volunteering/work experience in relation to their area of work, plus lived in the middle of a town whereas I lived in the middle of nowhere, where there was no jobs and no transport to be able to get me to a place where there were jobs, the difference being my cousins were never badgered for their lack of a job. Why would I invite the very people that have made my life a living hell?

If I were to have a wedding, I would want it to be a private ceremony, and even though there are family members I would love to be there, due to the repercussions I would suffer from not inviting those mentioned above, it would be easier for it to be just me and the poor sod who ends up with me for the rest of our lives and just have a Vegas wedding and elope. But even then I would still suffer repercussions for not thinking of others and that they may have wanted to be a part of our 'special' day. I guess it depends on how you view it, but how I view it is that if someone wants to get married, they should be able to do it however they want, whether that's with just the two of them or a massive wedding. Whether that's in a church or not in a church. The same as if someone doesn't want to get married, they should be able to go about their life without other people badgering them about why they haven't yet got married to their partner. The same as people should be able to have children without getting married, either whether they plan on getting married eventually or not, without people asking them why they didn't get married before deciding to have children. Because at the end of the day, everyone's life is different and everyone is going to have different views on things and do things a different way to someone else, otherwise the world would be an incredibly dull and boring place to live!

So, why do I want a marriage, but not a wedding? Well, because the very idea of having a whole day about me scares me. Because the idea of walking down the aisle and standing in front of a load of people scares me. Because I don't see the point in spending thousands of pounds on one day when it could be better invested in my future. Because however I decide to have my wedding, people will judge me for it. Because I don't drink and the idea of having to have a hen party, or being judged for not having one/not drinking at my hen party, scares me. Because I just don't want a wedding.

What are your thoughts/views of weddings/marriage?

Love Beth xx